COUCH FUNGUS

I mentioned the term 'couch fungus' the other day and was questioned as to what exactly a couch fungus was.  Interestingly enough, for as common as this variety of fungus is, there is no scientific classification for it so this is about the best I can do for a description.

COUCH FUNGUS:  Often mistaken for the common couch potato, couch fungus is actually a human/fungus hybrid.  Usually male, it can be identified as a large mass that adheres to the surface of a couch or sofa, basking in the the low photon illuminations emitted from a widescreen television set, moving only to scrounge for food or to defecate.  The couch fungus is a semi-social fungus and enjoys the company of other fungi where the Alpha-Fungus maintains control over the tv remote and the lessor fungi.  A particular characteristic of the species is that rather than emiting spores, it emits a potent but non-toxic gas which it uses as a defence from any challengers.  Couch fungus feeds on a steady diet of man-made foods notably high in sodium, fat, calories, carbohydrates and alcohol.  They are carnivores and are rarely seen eating vegetation of any kind, except for beans rich in protein which help generate their offensive, defensive gas.  Couch fungus cannot be destroyed, and once it is discovered that your furniture is infested the best course of action is to move the aflicted piece of furniture out to the sidewalk with the fungus still in tact... and place a 'free' sign on it.  When shopping for a new sofa... a mauve floral pattern is recommended.  Cover the surface with clear vinyl to prevent future infestation.  The less comfortable the couch the better.  Couch fungus thrives on big, oversized, comfortable couches.  Rose scented airfresheners are also useful as a repellant.

A relative of the common couch fungus is the cyber-fungus... often found growing on poorly padded swivel chairs basking on the rays emitted from a computer screen.  Cyber-fungus prefers a diet of coffee, sugar free soft drinks mixed with hard liquor, and cookies or brownies!  Cyber fungus is often described as anti-social because they often fore go face to face confrontation but in fact they lead quite an extensive social life with other cyber fungi via the web.

Couch fungus and Cyber fungus are often found in the same home and are in fact quite compatible.  Neither bothers the other and in fact they encourage each other for they know that if the other is content then they will not bother each other.  Complete fungi harmony!